Shared Understanding… in simple terms

You agreed to meet each other at the restaurant at seven, but now it’s seven-fifteen and you’re still outside waiting in the rain. For the fiftieth time, you glance through the door into the dining room waiting area. Finally, as you just give up and start walking away, you see her chatting up some guy in the bar.

Trying to look cooler than you feel, you walk in and ask what’s going on. Why didn’t she wait outside? Nonplussed, she replies that she always expects people to look in the bar. With feelings of stupidity mixed with irritation, you blurt out that people meeting for dinner always wait outside or near the dining area..

Have you ever had this kind of disconnect?  Things can spiral downward from here as you dig in and double down on who was right. The thing is, you both contributed to this mess. Your text said, “Let’s meet at the restaurant at 7.” Her reply was a thumbs-up emoji. Simple, right?

Wrong. You both blew it when the conversation finished with, “See you then”. 

You exchanged information but never verified you had a shared understanding. She thought she could meet you anywhere inside, assuming you’d call on arrival. You always met folks outside before going in.

Informing is not communicating. By merely telling and not verifying, you let the other person guess at what you mean. Communication results in participants understanding each other. That means unless you know each other well enough to be confident about a common meeting place, you need to play back what you hear or risk an argument. 

The fix is simple, repeat your understanding. “7:00 outside the front door of Mulligan’s – got it.” A summary of agreement up front will save your evening from getting off on the wrong track.